some days aren't yours at all.

december? how is it december, already. i have been in wyoming for over four months(?!). of course i'm starting to hate it. of course i've made opportunities to run away. of course i feel like there's no one to relate to.

the most defining thing about being out here is being alone.
alone in more of a profound than a pathetic sense, luckily. whenever i succumb to my lonesome and seek out opportunities to spend time with other people, i feel the most lonely. this is, of course, because the only reality which is actually real to me is within my own mind. i have, in the past, explored this inner world with others, but few people are operating on a wavelength which is compatible with my own so kindred fellow travelers are few an far between. i just want to be candid. i want to be open about my 'creative' means and mental structures for understanding life. unfortunately, when i'm around most people i feel clammed up and miles away.
what i really yearning for is understanding through feeling and feeling through understanding. i feel dumbfounded and alienated when these are separated, the binary divisions of our modern life need unity, dammit! but so it goes. and so it goes that, for now, i walk, or rather drive (and weep in) my white whale, alone.
when i regain my calm and remember to breathe, however, i remember that this experience is NOT unique to wyoming. i have felt this way my whole life, it's only more apparent in each waking moment of my western life because there's no familiarity to hide behind, only the comfort of annonymity. no frills or false appearances in this real life that i have finally achieved. i'm so used to planning and waiting and thinking ahead that i feel uncomfortable in down time. i operate so well under stress that i feel my wheels are spinning without direct pressure and, feeling soft, i just want to give up. that's why being alone makes me feel crumby out here, because i'm used to feeling alone on my journey to something great, but, right now, i'm not on a planned journey. the clarity of life up close is defined by equivocation and absurdity, so i often feel it's not worth seeing, so i want to just keep running, running, moving, moving. but, as i really want (or need) to prove to myself that i can stay in one place for awhile, i'll be in wyoming until june at least, i hope this will enable me to free rather than guilty once i'm on the move again. which i will be soon, because, when the lord made me, he made a ramblin woman!