no choice in choice

what am i learning out here? actually, i think i'm learning a lot in wyoming. a lot more that i ever could have expected, but it's all internal and intangible, except for learning how to open the hood of a car and to pour antifreeze, that i can show you.
i'm learning how to relate to other people; i'm learning how i relate to other people. sometimes, i feel like this is a test run for living abroad. a controlled experiment to prove to myself that i can survive on my own, coddled as some may perceive me to be, i've taken substantial risks on my own two feet. but with always having people around me, it has also been hard to understand where i fit in, how do i fit in?
i just am. most of the time, i don't want to deliberately engage people; often, i just want to be alone. i just want to think. and to think you usually need to be alone. except when sitting with jason in the basement of the library or chatting with helen looking straight up at our galaxy or cooking with melissa in our subterranean studio. life artists! am i kidding? no, i do talk about wanting to further the evolution of human consciousness. actually, i take life quite seriously in my absurdity, because i am a random seed or life, who has no choice but to be and not be; infused with a life force, an ego!.
gosh, i want a companion. i am so alone out here, no superficial similarities to hide behind, no hipper than thou to resent; i am the hipster freak out here and i am alienating. not really though, because people still reach out to me. people either tell me their deepest secrets and fundamental identity or that i'm beautiful. sometimes both. who knew? somehow i always have.
somehow this has been my life since i was child. the only thing that's different in my more adult self is that i'm no longer scared to admit, my validation is internal. somehow this is who i just happen to be. no choice.
i'm learning there is no choice in life. no choice in choice. life just is. that's all there is. being and non-being. nature. the life force.
so, relating to nietzsche, freud, and milton in my high tops and tights i've realized that an intellectual's life is the only life for me. i met helen on my real life adventure in wyoming. and she understands as i do, in red sunglasses and a thrift store dress. understanding through feeling. so now i really know that an emotional intellectual's life is really the only life for me. i will not be alone. it may be a narrow path, but it always has been, yet there's also always been room for a kindred spirit (or two or three or six) along the way.
i can have a real life, in the real world, with earthbound people, but. i won't. or will i, if i pursue academia with its institutions and standardization and contextualization. whatever will i do.
live in an intellectual community, i hope. autonomy! self-sufficiency! this would, after all, be continuing the fulfillment of my mother's dreams, furthering the evolution of human consciousness.
i'll make the food, scrub the floors, and change the antifreeze in any vehicles if moby teaches me how to do anything. just don't ask me to do the laundry. i'll also decorate, analyze and make playlists.
with love.

some days aren't yours at all.

december? how is it december, already. i have been in wyoming for over four months(?!). of course i'm starting to hate it. of course i've made opportunities to run away. of course i feel like there's no one to relate to.

the most defining thing about being out here is being alone.
alone in more of a profound than a pathetic sense, luckily. whenever i succumb to my lonesome and seek out opportunities to spend time with other people, i feel the most lonely. this is, of course, because the only reality which is actually real to me is within my own mind. i have, in the past, explored this inner world with others, but few people are operating on a wavelength which is compatible with my own so kindred fellow travelers are few an far between. i just want to be candid. i want to be open about my 'creative' means and mental structures for understanding life. unfortunately, when i'm around most people i feel clammed up and miles away.
what i really yearning for is understanding through feeling and feeling through understanding. i feel dumbfounded and alienated when these are separated, the binary divisions of our modern life need unity, dammit! but so it goes. and so it goes that, for now, i walk, or rather drive (and weep in) my white whale, alone.
when i regain my calm and remember to breathe, however, i remember that this experience is NOT unique to wyoming. i have felt this way my whole life, it's only more apparent in each waking moment of my western life because there's no familiarity to hide behind, only the comfort of annonymity. no frills or false appearances in this real life that i have finally achieved. i'm so used to planning and waiting and thinking ahead that i feel uncomfortable in down time. i operate so well under stress that i feel my wheels are spinning without direct pressure and, feeling soft, i just want to give up. that's why being alone makes me feel crumby out here, because i'm used to feeling alone on my journey to something great, but, right now, i'm not on a planned journey. the clarity of life up close is defined by equivocation and absurdity, so i often feel it's not worth seeing, so i want to just keep running, running, moving, moving. but, as i really want (or need) to prove to myself that i can stay in one place for awhile, i'll be in wyoming until june at least, i hope this will enable me to free rather than guilty once i'm on the move again. which i will be soon, because, when the lord made me, he made a ramblin woman!